Football: A Summary of My Life

Before I start, a small disclaimer. Since the people reading this are neither the BBC nor an Indian political party, I hope I am not pulled up for any controversial statements or stereotypical religious comments that I might accidentally make.

“If you think football is life and death, let me tell you it’s more than that”

Wow! Rather phew! This is good enough to summarise influence of football or soccer, as some dimwits call it (you know whom I am talking about, the citizens of “the greatest nation in this world”.) Being born in a cricket crazy family and to revere football is not easy. My grandmother (DADI), may her soul rest in peace, probably passed away because she had exhausted her vocabulary of cuss words for Steve Bucknor. My father cannot pass a day without narrating his stories of the days when he used to buy cricket pads and bats for 2 rupees. Thank god my mother doesn’t care for that awful sport. So coming out as a football fan was harder on my family than it would have been if I had come out as gay. Even my uncle is a huge cricket fan. Only thing that can kill me faster than my uncle and dad talking about cricket is them singing old Hindi songs. Help Me!

Since day one, I have supported the legendary Manchester United. David Beckham. Sir Alex Ferguson. Roy Keane. Edwin Van Der Sar. My life with football and Manchester United started when I watched a replay of 1999 UEFA Champions League Final. It was exhilarating and magnificent, unlike a certain other sport. The raw emotions shown by the players and supporters. Oh I remember the day my dad pointed out that they misspelled Oliver Kahn, stating it was Oliver Khan. May football gods have mercy on him. Another incident where he called Maroune Fellaini as Sai Baba. Though there is one thing he can always do correctly, predict the score of United Liverpool derby.

Roy Keane made me want to get an Irish Mick accent. That roguish man, probably could make Hitler piss in his shorts, not an easy task. Him fighting with Patrick Vieira, who I thought was the black incarnation of the Satan. Nemanja Vidic gave me glimpse of the 90s football, where everything was allowed, unlike the present day footballers who would cry if they lost an eyelash. Don’t get me started on the present generation of cry babies, I can write a bloody novel series on them. David Beckham has been an inspiration to not only me but millions of other guys to go beyond the normal. Paul Scholes made you realise that being famous doesn’t mean that you have to be always in front of the media. Gary Neville has taught me lay down your life for the club. Him and Jamie Carragher fighting in the analysis shows gives a rush (not in the wrong way, people start thinking clean and straight.)

Being an introvert is not easy. Not many people understand you. Football has provided me an outlet from introvertism. It gave me freedom. It gave me power. My best friend, brother from another mother is also a football fan, a Liverpool fan. Go figure. Fights we have had. Insults we have exchanged. Being the true gentlemen that we are ,we made pact not to go down to the level of violence while arguing. As we are talking about a Liverpool fan, there is one observation that I have made about Liverpool fans. That is that where ever they go they have to show they love their club and it is the greatest, even though no one BLOODY ASKED! Reminds me of a certain ‘small d$$k syndrome.’ Let us not forget my GIRLFRIEND. My dear, the love of my life. The reason for my insomnia! There reason for my bankruptcy! As if these weren’t enough, she had to be a Arsenal fan. If only I knew that when I first got smitten with her. Isn’t my life the easiest and smoothest!

This games has also hurt me physically. I don’t only watch the game but an enthusiastic player also. I have had a torn ACL, a broken wrist and a chronically weak ankle due to the tens of ankle twists I have suffered through. It may seem the whole article is about ramblings against football, but let me tell you I won’t change a thing. Football is the only thing that is keeping me sane in this insane world.